Restless

3 min read

Deviation Actions

darklightartist's avatar
Published:
629 Views
The following is a vent. If you do not like reading vents, I suggest you keep on walking and don't look back.

So, I've been feeling very, very restless for the past two weeks. I've always had something keeping me down in one place, a relationship to put my energy into. Once I got out of one, for the first couple weeks everything was exciting; it was like this new frontier that I could do what ever I wanted on. I could be who I wanted to be, I didn't have to be this thing that lived up to other's expectations. I make a damn good girlfriend, because I make sure my SO comes first, and they're taken care of. One of my lots in life is to take care of others; it's something that keeps me centered and grounded. 

Then, after a few weeks of not being in a relationship, I've come to terms that, there's nothing keeping me here except for my job.

There's nothing keeping me here except for my job. Do you know how odd that is to hear? I've bounced from relationship to relationship for the past 8 years-the majority of them were online, and long distance, but they were still a relationship. They were mine to be with. 

After 8 years, of being one type of person, and you're suddenly left with being a different person, with no one to fall back on, no one to be with and to keep you in one place, it's suddenly become so mundane and life drudges. There's nothing to really put my energy to; art requires me to be in one place for too long, and even though my friends are there, they're just my friends. 

I love my friends to bits, they're like my brothers, and I care for each of them deeply and unconditionally, but they live their lives too. After so long of living your life for others, coming to that realization that others won't do the same for you, and there should be no expectations for that, it leaves this grubby, messy hole where stability once was. 

So, I've been having the hardest time of staying at home. Home is becoming not-home for me, and every day I think about my life and how it's turning out, the less home becomes not-home for me. I don't want to be here, I don't want to keep on coming home to a place where I feel strained at, and my heart feels heavy.

I want to run. I want to take my money that I have in savings, and just drive until I can't drive anymore. It's stupid, and reckless, and childish, and completely out of character, but damn it, I want to run. I want to run away until I can't see the horizon, until I find something that's my own. I want to find my person, my place in the stars, and I want to live carelessly until someone can make me care again. 

I'm scared to find myself, to live for myself, because what happens if I fail myself?
© 2013 - 2024 darklightartist
Comments4
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Shes-t's avatar
You can't fail yourself unless you stop trying to move forward and just give up. So go out there and make mistakes and learn from them so you can recognize them when you make them again. :'D You gotta live for yourself. So go out and make more awesome friends, do stupid things and find a place that feels like home. :D